Welcome to the May Day Launch Party for THE BONE CHURCH!
Comrades! So nice to see you here.
Please, pour yourself a shot of Russian vodka (Smirnoff in freezer), have a seat next to your Bulgarian mistress and get ready for some Cold War fun!
First – thank you for joining me.
I’ve been preparing for this for weeks – not shaving or bathing properly for that authentic Cold War Eastern European feel.
I’ve also been looking forward the chatting, trading barbs and Cold War stories with all of my Cold, Cold friends.
What can you expect at the TBC Launch Party? Well, first – there will be a fortune teller, so please feel free to ask her (Svetlana) anything and everything about your future via “COMMENTS.” She will surely give you the straight up.
This is Svetlana.
In the meantime, sit back, relax and mingle with the unsavory characters who usually haunt my blog. Sneak into my study and steal my microfilm! Hell, poison my drink for all I care.
And yes, an ebook or two of The Bone Church will be given away – if you’re an interesting enough party guest, that is.
And remember…”No great movement designed to change the world can bear to be laughed at or belittled. Mockery is a rust that corrodes all it touches.” MILAN KUNDERA
Cold 
So, Svetlana – here’s my first question…When Putin takes over the Ukraine, will he dump his current mistress (the one who got to light the torch at the Olympics) for a nice Crimean girl – you know, to show his support for the country he strong-armed into submission, or will he just take pictures of himself shirtless at various Ukrainian landmark?
Here are my questions for Svetlana: what kind of “questions” will con, uh, convince the writer to give me a copy of her book? Since I’m on the other side of the Iron Curtain, will I be disqualified if my vodka is Absolut or Grey Goose? After all, potatoes can ferment anywhere. Does it matter if I use oranges or tomatoes grown here in California to make screwdrivers/bloody Marys? How about Cuban rum as a substitute? If I think up any other inane questions I’ll return with them.
Louis, what’s your email address, so that I can gift you an ebook of The Bone Church?
Sorry, Victoria, I just today saw this response (after finally reading that beautiful Mother’s Day post). My e-mail address is mtsu1984@yahoo.com. Tell your commie friend thanks for entertaining me. Louis
My pleasure, Louis. I’ll send you an ebook copy via amazon.
Svetlana says: “Hello, Capitalist Pig Mr. Louis – if that is your real name. First, what is this “grey goose.” I no drink goose. I eat goose. I tell you that you must drink Russian vodka at all times. This is only way you will get lovers and only way you can get copy of this “Bone Church” crazy book. I no like church. I am atheist, so I no read stupid book. I no like author either, but she pay me to come. I tell her she will be rich like Harry Potter lady. I lie.”
Svetlana,
does Krim-Sekt really exist and is it better than Champagne?
How fun! First time through a blog…how intriguing! So, Svetlana…what’s a girl gotta do to get the free eBook? And, a chilled shot from that bottle of vodka?
Welcome Debra! I’ll pour you a shot. And I’ve asked Svetlana your intriguing question! Here is Svetlana’s reply: “Hello little girly. So, you want to read ebook, yes? I tell you book will not help you find rich American lover. But if you want to read book and no care about this, perhaps you can introduce Sveltana to someone, yes? I will steal book from crazy author lady if you do this? We have deal?”
Off to meet my painful fate today but loved , loved, LOVE the book! And the Milan Kundera Quote made me want to re-read the Unbearable Lightness of being ……”No great movement designed to change the world can bear to be laughed at or belittled. Mockery is a rust that corrodes all it touches.” MILAN KUNDERA…
Victoria, I hate to tell you this but I think Svetlana’s gotten into your supply of Smirnoff. She sounds like she unfurled all three sails a few hours ago. Ask her if I can count my Bulgarian boss (no joke) instead of a mistress from that country for entering the contest. Also, ask her if her predictions get better with every shot of vodka.
Thanks for stopping by Catalina! Svetlana has some words of wisdom for you: “Go to this “bridge of death” and drink six shots of Polish vodka – only Polish. Then you will know.”
LOL…I can’t keep that deal, the only one worth a damn is mine! All mine!
Louis, I showed Svetlana your comment/question, and here was her reply: “What? You tell him shut up. You tell him his boss will take his money and his woman because all Bulgarians are thief and murderer and dirty, rotten seducers. I know. My husband was Bulgarian. He dead now.”
What do you think of this author’s new book, Svetlana?
Little Missy Debra. Svetlana here. You think your man is yours, eh? Just wait when you come home and find him in arms of Slovak circus performer. I shave her head and her mustache but she still come back like dog for him. She says to me, “Beware of Slovak women!” I say, “Beware of Svetlana, you double-jointed prostituteka!” She now wear patch on eye.
And Little Missy Debra – I spit on author’s book! But you no tell her this or she no pay me.
Dear Svetlana the Gypsy Fortune Teller,
My current wife, Victoria, is a Slav. When I was sprightly and rich and single, she overpowered me with her long legs, high cheekbones, loose morals, and whiskey-soaked laugh. Now, nearly 20 years on, because of her, my dreams are dead, my energy is sapped, and I’m saddled with debt. Look into your crystal ball, sweetie, and tell me: Will I ever get my money and manhood back?
Please, I can’t take any more shirtless pictures of Putin. If he really wants to embarrass himself, he should expose the lower half of his body.
eden
LMAO! So, what about world events, Svetlana? Do you think Obama will keep his nose out of the Ukraine’s business or meddle?
Mr. Christoph – German fellow. I like German. They never try to run out of my tent without pay. So, I never have to send cousin Jago to break fingers. You ask me if Krim-sekt is better than Champagne? I no drink champagne, so I no care. If you drink champagne you must have the money, no? Would you like to meet my daughter Dragomira. She nice girl. Large breasts. Or my son Ivo, perhaps? He out of prison soon.
Dear Mr. Sucker (Jack person or so you say). What you think happen when you find woman? If wife old and ugly now, go to local High School and find new one. But I warn you – young girl expensive. She no want old man with no money. She want baubles.
HI, Debra – relayed your question about foreign policy to Svetana and here is her reply: “Little Missy, who is this Obama? His name sound like Romanian sausage. This Putin I know. He is valued customer. Rarely wear shirt and armpits smell like jackal, but he pay.He mention this Ukraine. I tell him real man take what he want and laugh at enemies. Plus I no like Ukraine. Ukrainian waitress take my third husband. He come back, but he sorry.
Eden, about your Putin comment, Svetlana says: “I see him with no pants and this is true, but if he know I tell you he kill me so SHUT UP YOUR FACE Canadian hussy! Or Svetlana will find you.”
I always thought Smirnoff was American. You live and learn. I prefer Kubanskya if there is any please. Can you ask Svetlana when Vladimir Putin is going to hell?
Jane, I asked Svetlana and she had this to say: “Kubans can’t make the vodka. They fool you. And only American Capitalist pigs go to hell because they believe in this hell. I no believe. I no go to hell. But I make hell.”
Svetlana, do you also give fashion tips? Am thinking of ditching the mom jeans and pastel hoodies for something more along the lines of dressed to kill. What do I need to wear to fit in with the Bone Church crowd? Please advise.
Hi, Sarah! Welcome to the party. Sorry, I’ve kind of had a few, but I did relay your question to Svetlana, who I should warn you is dressed in an outfit that I would describe as Stevie Nicks meet Miley Cyrus and on a budget. Here’s what she said: “First, little lady, look to see what your husband’s mistress is wearing. And I assure you he have one if you dress like you say. Copy her and he will feel like he have two for price of one. Pretend to like her, invite her to home and break her nose with iron skillet. She no come back. Then you can wear other things and I advise like this: For me, when I kill, I like to feel like I did when I was fourteen and married for first time. It was not long marriage, but I look good. On wedding day I wore black tube top, short jean skirt with the holes in good places (you know what I mean?), very high boots and rouge on nipples for later. You try this – it work for you.
Svetlana, you are so worldly and enlightened. I will need a virtual vodka shot or two before attempting your fashion recommendation. Mockrát děkuju!
Svetlana said: “You are welcome, girlie. Remember, if it now work, there are other mens. I have 7 husband. Many dead, but some still alive.”
Victoria, Are you sure you didn’t hire Svetlana just to do couples therapy under the guise of shilling your book? And I’d like to remind Jack of the old story about riding a tiger – you go where she wants and don’t think about leaving before the ride is over. I somehow feel like I’ve actually added something to this discussion. Thanks for letting me be productive – I’m sure not at work.
Hello Capitalist Pig Mr. Louis – this is Svetlana, gypsy fortuneteller. I no do couples no more. Men think they want this, but they can no do. Maybe when 19, but old man can’t handle more than one woman at a time and even with one he sometimes need to steal the drugs from local pharmacy.